Personality vs. Depression

I still struggle to separate what pieces of my husband's behavior are his personality and what parts are his depression.

Example: He was screened for depression a few weeks ago and is in the "medium" range of depression. Not so bad - but NOT good. I don't know how he can stand to feel so down every single day. Depression lingers over his head all the time. He manages to do a lot of the everyday stuff but never really enjoys anything. How awful for him. He says: "This is just how it is."

Is it? or is it all he EXPECTS or WANTS it to be? Is depression his excuse for living life half asleep?

I may never know. My wonderful man who trudges through each difficult day to work in a job he hates (but would he ever like any job?) to provide for our family, who helps around the house, who doesn't criticize or complain - He rarely lets me into his world.

I try, try so hard to be part of his life. I feel like I have to break through a brick wall everyday to get meaningful conversation out of him - to get feeling and emotion out of him.

Eventually I give up - then re-commit - then give up - then re-commit . . . I'm getting worse at being able to re-commit, a lot worse.

I love him and always will - it's the day to day that challenges me. Case in point - I've learned a lot about boundaries over the past 8 years of marriage. I've learned to not let his depression effect me as much as it used to. I've learned to not bail him out of social situations or commitments. -

I decided a while ago to NOT help him get help for his depression. I decided this because it was part of my "let him be responsible for himself movement" . I decided this because he is stable and not a complete mess or anything. I decided this because I knew he would continue to be OK, just OK. I decided this because I tried for months, 6 months I think, to convince him (one small suggestion or conversation at a time) to go see our doctor. Any and all of my attempts were thwarted with his comments "it won't help" - "this is how it is" - "they can't help me". So I dropped it. (I'm not giving advice here, every situation is SO different)

Then I read something somewhere that said if your loved one is depressed YOU take them, drag them whatever you have to do, get them to the Dr. ! I got sucked back in. My compassionate bone gave way. I made an appointment. I told him. He said he wouldn't go. I said "think about it". He said "I'll think about it".

One day, a few days before his appointment, we were talking and I say "So that appointment is coming up, I'll get a sitter so I can go with you and then we can go to lunch or something".

He says "Oh, I cancelled it the other day".

What the ... !

At that moment I was so angry. Angry at him for cancelling. Angry that this man who isn't motivated to do much of anything looked up a phone number, made the call and cancelled a critical appointment that I made for him out of desperation and love and hope for his and our future. He hates making phone calls - HATES making them. I was shocked. I shouldn't have been.

And then I was angry at myself for yet again giving in to my boundary of not rescuing him. I felt like a sucker, a fool for thinking things were going to be different. I don't like crossing my boundaries - I always loose! That is why I put them in place so I wouldn't have these angry and frustrated feelings toward myself (or at least less of such feelings).

So here we are now - he and I - Living an OK life; getting by the best we each can. I've seen two breaks in the depressive cloud that radiates through our life.

1) for several months when I met and dated him
2) for about 8 months when he went on anti depressants for the first time

The rest of our years together have been like that "Depression Hurts" commercial!

So personality or depression?

My guess is that depression has been looming over him since middle/late childhood. Depression is all he knows. It's like depression has shaped his personality - can that happen?

I've heard it said that a depressed person's behavior isn't them - but the 'depression taking over'. I don't think that holds true in all cases. He was really motivated NOT to get help when he made that phone call . . .