Dysthymia

I think I found the exact description of my husband. I have only know him to have 2 breaks from depression over the past decade. The first was when we were dating (convenient huh?) and the other for about 6 months just before our first child was born (he was taking Zoloft).

I read an article over at the Harvard Medical School site:
(bold text is for my situation)

"The American Psychiatric Association defines dysthymia as depressed mood most of the time for at least two years, along with at least two of the following symptoms: poor appetite or overeating; insomnia or excessive sleep; low energy or fatigue; low self-esteem; poor concentration or indecisiveness; and hopelessness."

"American Psychiatric Association’s diagnostic manual also suggests, as a possibility for further investigation, an alternative definition with symptoms including . . . social withdrawal, guilt, and irritability. . . The purpose is to distinguish dysthymia more clearly from major depression by emphasizing mood and personal relations over physical symptoms."

I didn't hear the term "dysthymia" until a recent PBS special on depression. Knowing that my husband's symptoms have a name helps, a little.

Knowing that he refuses any kind of treatment is VERY frustrating.


Which leads me to my previous post - Personality vs. Depression.

The Harvard article posed this question:
Is there a depressive personality?

"In principle, personality is usually lifelong, while moods come and go. ... Mood and personality are the emotional weather and emotional climate of individuals, so the symptoms of mood and personality disorders naturally overlap. The thought schemas that cognitive therapists find at the roots of major depression and dysthymia — certain beliefs about the self, the world, and the future — are also the basis of depressive personality. Disturbances in mood can have effects on a person’s emotional state and social life that resemble a personality disorder. And people are more easily demoralized and recover more slowly from any stress or misfortune if they are pessimistic and self-critical by nature — or emotionally unstable, impulsive, and hypersensitive to loss."

Interesting.

Personality vs. Depression

I still struggle to separate what pieces of my husband's behavior are his personality and what parts are his depression.

Example: He was screened for depression a few weeks ago and is in the "medium" range of depression. Not so bad - but NOT good. I don't know how he can stand to feel so down every single day. Depression lingers over his head all the time. He manages to do a lot of the everyday stuff but never really enjoys anything. How awful for him. He says: "This is just how it is."

Is it? or is it all he EXPECTS or WANTS it to be? Is depression his excuse for living life half asleep?

I may never know. My wonderful man who trudges through each difficult day to work in a job he hates (but would he ever like any job?) to provide for our family, who helps around the house, who doesn't criticize or complain - He rarely lets me into his world.

I try, try so hard to be part of his life. I feel like I have to break through a brick wall everyday to get meaningful conversation out of him - to get feeling and emotion out of him.

Eventually I give up - then re-commit - then give up - then re-commit . . . I'm getting worse at being able to re-commit, a lot worse.

I love him and always will - it's the day to day that challenges me. Case in point - I've learned a lot about boundaries over the past 8 years of marriage. I've learned to not let his depression effect me as much as it used to. I've learned to not bail him out of social situations or commitments. -

I decided a while ago to NOT help him get help for his depression. I decided this because it was part of my "let him be responsible for himself movement" . I decided this because he is stable and not a complete mess or anything. I decided this because I knew he would continue to be OK, just OK. I decided this because I tried for months, 6 months I think, to convince him (one small suggestion or conversation at a time) to go see our doctor. Any and all of my attempts were thwarted with his comments "it won't help" - "this is how it is" - "they can't help me". So I dropped it. (I'm not giving advice here, every situation is SO different)

Then I read something somewhere that said if your loved one is depressed YOU take them, drag them whatever you have to do, get them to the Dr. ! I got sucked back in. My compassionate bone gave way. I made an appointment. I told him. He said he wouldn't go. I said "think about it". He said "I'll think about it".

One day, a few days before his appointment, we were talking and I say "So that appointment is coming up, I'll get a sitter so I can go with you and then we can go to lunch or something".

He says "Oh, I cancelled it the other day".

What the ... !

At that moment I was so angry. Angry at him for cancelling. Angry that this man who isn't motivated to do much of anything looked up a phone number, made the call and cancelled a critical appointment that I made for him out of desperation and love and hope for his and our future. He hates making phone calls - HATES making them. I was shocked. I shouldn't have been.

And then I was angry at myself for yet again giving in to my boundary of not rescuing him. I felt like a sucker, a fool for thinking things were going to be different. I don't like crossing my boundaries - I always loose! That is why I put them in place so I wouldn't have these angry and frustrated feelings toward myself (or at least less of such feelings).

So here we are now - he and I - Living an OK life; getting by the best we each can. I've seen two breaks in the depressive cloud that radiates through our life.

1) for several months when I met and dated him
2) for about 8 months when he went on anti depressants for the first time

The rest of our years together have been like that "Depression Hurts" commercial!

So personality or depression?

My guess is that depression has been looming over him since middle/late childhood. Depression is all he knows. It's like depression has shaped his personality - can that happen?

I've heard it said that a depressed person's behavior isn't them - but the 'depression taking over'. I don't think that holds true in all cases. He was really motivated NOT to get help when he made that phone call . . .

Overwhelmed

A few months ago I googled things like: "marriage and depression" - and found TWO sites that spoke right to my heart.

One site had a comment thread from 2006 to today! I heard so much of my own heartache and struggles in those comments. I went back to read the comments several times hoping new people had posted another bit of something that would be helpful to me.

I felt overwhelmed that there was so much hurt out there and so few resources. I wanted to invite you all over for a big BBQ and depression support group or something! But living with a depressed spouse, at least for me, requires a bit of anonymity for now. Plus I don't have that kind of money :) - thus a Blog.

My friends and family are supportive, but there is only so much they can take - you know. I don't want to depress myself and everyone around me by dwelling SO much on things. But I still need much more support than I'm getting or I'll snap! I try to balance my husband's depression and the effect it has on me with my everyday life. It is difficult, very difficult. This blog will help me do that.

I hope in some way this blog will help you.

Future Topics:
My story
The most useful marriage/depression book I've ever read
Quote of the week
What has helped/What hasn't
Survival skills
For fun
For inspiration

That should be a good start. I blog in between running a household and business but hope to update several times a week.

If you visit please leave a comment - even if it has to be anonymous - comments are the BEST part of blogging!